shattered...

If you have read "Welcome to My Nightmares" then you know that I joined the army for no other reason than to serve my country, and serve it well.

When I entered Basic Training, I smoked four packs a day, was 50lbs overweight, had led a sedentary, "office" lifestyle for over 11 years, I could barely do three push-ups, and running? Forgedaboudit! Day 1 of Basic Training had me cold turkey off of those four packs a day, in a platoon of 53, 18 year old shrieking, drama queens. All I could think of was how much I really wanted a smoke, and how profoundly stupid I had been the day I signed the dotted line.

But then they gave us something. Something that made me NOT step forward when a week into this adventure, the 1 SG stood in front of us, and asked if there was anyone who wanted to quit, right now, now questions asked, no penalties whatsoever.

They gave us a card. On one side was the "Soldier's Creed" and on the other were the "Army Values".

The Soldier's Creed:

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.
I WILL ALWAYS PLACE THE MISSION FIRST.
I WILL NEVER EXCEPT DEFEAT.
I WILL NEVER QUIT.
I WILL NEVER LEAVE A FALLEN COMRADE.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough,
trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment, and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies
of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

(The words in all CAPS are what we call the Warrior Ethos)

The Army Values:

LOYALTY - Bear true faith and allegiance to the U.S. Constitution, the Army, your unit, and other soldiers.
DUTY - Fulfill your obligations.
RESPECT - Treat people as they should be treated.
SELFLESS-SERVICE - Put the welfare of the Nation, the Army, and your subordinates before your own.
HONOR - Live up to all the Army Values.
INTEGRITY - Do what is right, legally and Morally.
PERSONAL COURAGE - Face fear, danger or adversity (physical or moral).

We had to learn them all by heart, but I not only learned them by heart, I took them to heart. Something in which, I will regret until my dying day.

At the end of Basic Training, we all have to take a PT Test (Physical Training). There is a standard every soldier must meet for their age and gender. It is the only standard in the Army, that after four years of service, I have seen enforced with any regularity whatsoever. During my training, I had shed those fifty extra pounds, I had successfully quit smoking, I could do 30 push-ups and 54 sit-ups, but I still couldn't run. I had to meet the "run" standard, or I would not be a soldier, would not be able to serve my country, would not graduate Basic Training the next day.

So on that day, I began to run. I was slow, my knees hurt (after all, I was 36), I couldn't breathe which was made worse by the fact that I started to cry. But then it hit me...I am an American Soldier.

It did not matter that I had not graduated yet...I WOULD ALWAYS PLACE THE MISSION FIRST!
It did not matter that I could not breathe...I WOULD NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT!
It did not matter that my knees hurt...I WOULD NEVER QUIT!
And then a young man from my platoon, the Wolverines, saw me struggling and came to run by my side and coach me along...I WOULD NEVER LEAVE A FALLEN COMRADE!

I am an American Soldier...I am a Warrior and a member of team. I kept saying the "Soldier's Creed" over and over...my stride became longer, my breathing easier, my pace faster..and as "the Eye of the Tiger" pumped out from the speakers ( I know, cheesy...but that's what they were playing), the last person on the track finished their run with time to spare. I had made it...I truly was an American Soldier now, and those words (The Soldier's Creed and the Army Values), were etched into my heart.

Now, however, 3 years 8 months 3 days 16 hours and 26 minutes after that fateful day, and after all of my experiences in that time, those words that were so fondly etched into my heart, have now been burned from existence by the very people that should have been carrying them in their heart as well. 3 years 8 months 3 days 16 hours and 26 minutes of neglect, people lying, stealing and cheating, oversight, misuse, abuse, mismanagement, power-plays, waste, fraud, lack of honor, character, morals, principles, have all combined to scar me, and to rip at my very heart.

Truer words had never been spoken than the day my Drill Sergeant, SSG Royce Littleton, said in Basic Training..."This is the real Army here. Once you leave here (Ft. Jackson, SC), it will be a whole other world. So enjoy it here, in the real Army, while you can."

Here are a few of the brands that have scarred my heart, my vision, my beliefs:

* I arrive at Ft. Campbell in April. My unit, C Co 426 BSB, 1 BCT, 101 ABN, is down in Louisiana at the Joint Readiness Training Center (JRTC). Since I was already an EMT with years of experience, I did not have to go to the first portion of Advanced Individual Training (AIT). My orders stated, however, that I was to report to Ft. Sam Houston for the final 10 weeks of training, and in the meantime, I would receive on-the-job-training from my company. My unit never sent me to those last ten weeks. Ten weeks where I was supposed to have learned how to be a "combat medic", not just an EMT-B. A few months later we deployed to Iraq. I cut my teeth in "combat medicine" with the 1/32 CAV, the 278th National Guard of TN, and Special Forces in Diyala Province, one of the nastiest places in Iraq at the time. For those of you who read "Welcome to My Nightmares", understand that all of that was done without me knowing anything about combat medicine, Tactical Combat Casualty Care, or Care Under Fire. I knew nothing but how to save a man's life medically. The men and women of the 278th, 1/32 CAV, and SF, were the ones that taught me about being a real soldier, a battle soldier.

* Spc Colburn, my squad leader, approaches me and tells me that I have a mission. My mission is an outing with the Chaplain...the Company needs to send someone and they selected me. Why? I have no idea as every single one of my personal documents states that I am an atheist. I tell Spc Colburn this, and that I respectfully decline the mission to a religious outing. Spc Colburn then tells me, "Burns, just go, don't rock the boat". When I continue to object, he tells me that I need to go talk to SSG A. (SSG Anderson), our platoon Sergeant. When I go to speak to SSG Anderson, and tell him my situation, he tells me it won't be that bad because it is also a BOSS event (Better Opportunity for Single Soldiers). I, once again object, even more so this time, because not only is it a Christian outing (and I am an Atheist), but also a BOSS event (I was getting married in a few weeks, hence, NOT single). SSG Anderson then spun around in his chair and told me: "Go get some Jesus, Burnsy...you need some Jesus in your life." I turned and left the office and ran into Spc Colburn. He asked me what Big A (SSG Anderson) had said, and I told him. Spc Colburn said: "well that sounds good to me, the workbooks are the dispatch bins in the office, make sure you pick them up before COB (close of business)." I turn around and go to get the books. Holding them in my hands, I begin to cry at the title. Not only am I being forced to go on a religious outing for single, neither of which I am, the program we would be working throughout the day was "the Seven Highly Effective Habits of Teens", something I just gone through with my 14 year old daughter. Me! A 37 year old, engaged, atheist was being forced to go on a singles, Christian, teen outing! How would you feel? I was crushed, and my fiance' was just plain pissed.

* I have been left out in the field, left in the cold, freezing weather, forced to live in the barracks when younger people of lesser rank were allowed to move off of post, denied BAS, denied BAH, denied the same assistance for child support that everyone else receives, denied FSA (Family Separation Allowance) even though my husband is in Iraq and my daughter in California, my ACM was given to me a year-and-half after it was awarded because it was "put" in the back of a filing cabinet when 1/32 CAV brought it to my company for me (I didn't even know I had received it...kinda important for promotion points!), my Good Conduct Medal for three years of service without any negative marks was handed to me by someone of lesser rank, on a folded sheet of copy paper, stapled at the top. I was within 50' of incoming, exploding mortar rounds on more than three occasions for which others received awards and I received nothing, under fire many more, and have been evacuated from theater because of a back injury. In 3 years 8 months 3 days 16 hours and 26 minutes, I have never been talked to about the promotion board, never gone to the board for promotion, and have never been counseled as to why I was not being sent. Next month, I will have been in long enough, that I will just go to the board automatically without recommendation.

* A month after we deployed, my husband set up a secret Yahoo account. I needed to talk to him, and had been begging him for months to read my emails, respond to my emails, call me, anything...yet he refused. I did not even receive a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's, or Happy Birthday from him (no cards, no presents, no emails...nothing but an email a few weeks later saying it was too crowded). In May, of this year, I found out why. He had been talking to other women the entire time, and had no time to talk to his wife...even when she was injured, or burned, or just burned out. He received naked pictures of women doing various things to themselves, chatted online with them telling them he was single, had cyber-sex with them, and while he was telling me that the lines were too long for the internet and phones on the holidays, he was online telling another woman Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's. I printed out the pictures and the conversations and the account, and I contacted his 1 SG, 1SG Lovelace, politely asking him to make Patrick cease and desist with this behavior. When confronted by his 1 SG, my husband lied. I gave 1 SG Lovelace proof that he was lying to him as well as all of the proof that I had retrieved. Nothing was done. They did not care that their soldier was lying to them, cheating on his wife, or had no morals, or character whatsoever. So my husband, now having carte blanche to cheat on his wife and lie to his Commanders and everyone else, bought a Yahoo Personals account and has been shopping for pussy the entire time. He states that he is "divorced and a very good person." HAH!!! What a fuckin' joke. I contacted Yahoo Personals as per their agreement about posting profiles that are untrue, and they could not have cared less, even though there are disclaimers all over their site saying they would not tolerate it. So if any ladies out there happen across my husband, I warn you now, that he is the worst sort of man to ever walk the face of the Earth. You can view his profile at: Profile ID: personals-1211187774-464996 or simply search the personals using 34 years old, with 50 miles of el paso, TX, athletic body type (lie), white (caucasian), some college. His name is Patrick, and he should be the first profile to come up. He is wearing his uniform (disgusting!)

I could go on forever and a day with how I have been mistreated, abused, and violated. So I will leave off here with this:

On September 13, 2007, there were two areas on my SRP form 2795 (the checklist that must be completed before you go to Iraq), that stated that I was non-deployable (meaning I could not go). My Commander, Cpt Craig J. Reuscher got around all of this by doing two things. First, he not only signed off on my SRP packet (DA Form 7425) as my Commander, he also signed off as the Validating Deployment Official. Secondly, he wrote a legal statement on my DA Form 2795 stating this: "Soldier is being medically cared for/monitored by BN PA (Battalion Physician's Assistant). Soldier's medical condition will be monitored, and her physical limitations will be mitigated." Funny thing was, as soon as we arrived in Iraq, my Commander attached me to another unit, 1 STB, 1 BCT, 1 AD. Never once did anyone from my platoon contact me, in any way in the 8 months that I was there. Nor did the BN PA, as she was tasked out to another COB altogether and for all I know, had no idea that the Commander had made this statement. Nor was I contacted by the Commander or the First Sergeant. No one was caring for me...as per the commanders' statement. No one was monitoring me medically...as per the Commanders' statement. And I can tell you with all certainty that my physical limitations were not mitigated in any way shape or form as per the Commanders' statement of deployability.

Did I mind being deployed? Absolutely not. I love my job with a passion unheard of. The was nary a moment, when I was not on mission, that I was not studying to be a better medic, or taking care of my equipment. I performed my duties each and every day above and beyond what was expected, and I did it each and every day in spite of the terrible pain that I was in.

No...I don't believe in anything anymore. I serve a corrupted government, my husband is a bastard, and most of the people I work with are the worst sort of humans.